The Mindset

"There is poison in the fang of the serpent, in the mouth of the fly and in the sting of a scorpion; but the wicked man is saturated with it." – Chanakya

Muslim Jokes

Posted by The Mindset on April 28, 2011

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 25.

3 to puzzle over the technology of a light bulb while wiggling their bottoms in the air 5 times a day, 3 to think more about it while wiggling their bottoms in the air 5 times a day, 3 to think really, really hard about how a light bulb works while wiggling their bottoms in the air 5 times a day, then 3 Muslims to decide that light bulbs are an evil infidel technology, four Muslims to destroy the light bulb, 2 to kill the people who sold the light bulb, 3 to kill everyone at the light bulb factory and three Muslims to blow themselves up when the ambulances come to tend the wounded. Finally, the 25th Muslim has to jump up and down screaming about how Islam is a religion of peace and tolerance.
——————————————————————————–

Q: What’s the definition of a virgin in England?
A: Any female under the age of eighteen.
Q: What’s the definition of a virgin in France?
A: Any female under the age of sixteen.
Q: What’s the definition of a virgin in Islam?
A1: Any female under the age of nine.
or
A2: Any goat that can run faster than an Muslfim.
——————————————————————————–
A Muslim walked into his mosque with camel-dung in his hands and complained to the Imam, “Look what I almost stepped in!”
———————————————————————————————
A Muslim walked into a coffee-shop with a duck under his arm. The clerk saw this and said, “Hey, what are you doing coming in here with a pig?” The Muslim answered, “This is not a pig; it’s a duck.” The clerk answered back: “I was talking to the duck!”
———————————————————————————————
A man walks into a bar and shouts “All Muslims are shitheads.”
A man confronts him and says not to say that again because it’s an insult to him.
The first man asks “Are you a Muslim”
“No”, answers the second man, “I am a shithead.”
———————————————————————————————
Some Muslims in London are moaning that there are not enough Muslims on the telly.
The BBC agreed and will now be showing CrimeWatch 3 times a week.
——————————————————————————–
An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond. The Amish man shouts: “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen,” which means: “Don’t drink the water; the cows have crapped in it.”

The man shouts back: “I’m a Muslim, I don’t understand. Please speak in English.”
The Amish man says: “Use two hands, you’ll get more.”
——————————————————————————–
 4 people in the carriage of a train – a Jew, a pretty young blond, an ugly old woman and a Muslim.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there’s the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Muslim is rubbing his face, and there’s a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks “I bet that Muslim fondled the blond in the dark and she slapped him”
The pretty young blond thinks ” I bet the Muslim tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him”.
The Muslim thinks “I bet that dirty Jew fondled the blond in the dark, but the blond thought it was me and hit me”
The Jew thinks “I hope there’s another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that Muslim moron again.
——————————————————————————–
Q: How does a Muslim get his wife pregnant?
A: He rapes her.
—————————————————
Q: How does a Muslim get his wife pregnant?
A: He rapes her.
—————————————————
Q: What do you do if you see five Muslims up to their waists in concrete?
A: Pour more concrete.
—————————————————
Q: What did God say after creating Muslims?
A: “I can do better.”
—————————————————
A popular bar in Bahrain had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “what’s your IQ?” The man replied, “140.” So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “what’s your IQ?” The man responded, “120.” So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, “what’s your IQ?” The man replied, “65.” The robot then said, “so, how are things in Saudi Arabia these days?”
—————————————————
all jokes from http://plancksconstant.org

74 Responses to “Muslim Jokes”

  1. Thanks for linking.

    • Muhammad Munawwar Integrasi Kuantan said

      Religion has always been a delicate subject to discuss, considering the fact that people have their own set of opinions and beliefs. However, it is still good to learn about other people’s religions, so that we can treat them better, and more importantly, respect their own beliefs. You might be surprised at how people, despite having different religions, actually have the same beliefs in most aspects of life.

  2. lol you europeans dont have virgins. every girl in europe is raped at the age of 3 by their own father. hahahahahaha

    • JP said

      shut the f**k up u F*****g moron..!!! now dont blow up the computer u dick head xD

    • Lorna said

      This is actually true if you only look at the muslims. Muslim men per definition rape their female relatives, usually from the time she is three years old, but sometimes younger than that.
      So if you only look at the muslims in Europe and count them as Europeans (we Europeans do not) than yes your statement is absolutely correct.

  3. fun said

    Wow! That’s some funny stuff you got there, Ahad. I believe you could make comedy your career. Of course, you’d have to give up stone throwing,car bombings and burning flags.

  4. sheerin said

    Do urll actually think urlls jokes are funny really urll more sick than I thought y don’t urll go and pray to an idol or something cos urll just showing us how desperate urll are to be muslims but don’t stress our islam will accept urll n by the way urlls sick jokes don’t get to us cos we already know how fortunate we are to have our allah I’m proud to be a muslim!!!!!!!!!

    • 1. Yes I think the jokes are funny.
      2. i am happy with my life and happier after looking at the lives of Muslims who live in foreign countries because their own countries are hellhole Islamic states.
      3. What are you proud of ? proud of all those bomb blasts done by your brothers? Proud of the genocides done by Muslims? or proud of all those crimes committed by Muslims?
      What are you proud of exactly?

  5. 1. Muhammad – what he did which makes you proud- marrying a women 17 year senior than him for her money or having sex with a 9 year old or looting carvans or marrying his daughter-in-law or having concubines. OH yes there is so much to be proud of Muhammad.
    2. You are proud of being a Muslim – for what – for all those terrorist attacks, beheading, taliban, al-Qaeda, LeT or some other terrorist organisation , for Armenian Genocide (1915-1918) or for all those riots and killings. You may proud of FLYING PLANES INTO TOWERS , isn’t it.

    Whatever I had to learn about Islam I and all other infidels learnt on 9/11 and after all those bomb blasts. We learnt that Islam is all about violence and massacre and killing and raping and looting.
    I have learnt enough about Islam.

    • aishah said

      brothers and sisters just see the beauty of islam. it is certainly the best way of life for mankind. see how islam has all the solution for mankind.see how the Prophet Muhammad was an example for mankind. today history con prove that he is the most influencial person and Prophet Jesus is the third. Muhammad (PBUH) with the permisson of ALLAH has changed a whole state to a better one. the people was leading a barbaric and immoral life.He has ordered to do good and he prohibitted evil. then what’s wrong with him.he has married with a senior woman because she could protect him and provided him with financial security.what’s wrong? he also married her as it was only a proposal to him.Khadijah loved the prophet for his honesty.everyone knew the prophet as al amin ‘the honest one’. even his own enemies gave him this title and they deposited their belongings with him.

      furthermore he married a 9 year old girl as she has a strong memory and she could transmit the saying of the prophet and really believe me she was the only person to have narrated the maximum number of hadith. that’s better for him than to do adultery.
      also he has not loot any caravans. he has to go for war as the disbelievers has robbed all their belongings.also see how islan is not about violence ,killing, and raping as islam hes several laws against these immoral acts. for example ,for people not to steal islam has ordered to cut the hand of the robber so that people not steal. for that reason you are saying that islam is a religion af violence.

      moreover do not just look at the so called muslims to blame islam. islam is a pure religion.do not blame islam just because some muslims are not practicing islam properly. for example you have a car and a driver was driving it and he made an accident. who will you blame? the driver or the car. the same goes with islam.

      if you people are not understanding islam you have understand nothing . read the quran and understand it and you will see guidance. see how many people are accepting islam as their mode of life and get to know their reasons. islamis the fastest growing religion in the world and the number has increased just after 9 september 2011

  6. bob said

    Ahahaha dude you’re classic, fuck thats good.

  7. Shawn said

    If you’re a muslim and you’re about to insult a European or American, ask yourself what your people ever contributed to the world besides your religion. Virtually none of you have done a solitary thing to help this planet or advance quality of life for any of her inhabitants. This is not only contemptible, but leads level headed people to believe that your virtues and customs are decadent. Yes, I am an American and if you disapprove then, well, that’s real cute. My fellow citizens are ethically sound enough to sustain muslims living here with their redistribution of wealth, and let you live in peace. What would you do for an American Christian living near you? Patronize him at the very least, I can safely assume. Same goes for the humble nations of Europe. You owe them everything, particularly the United Kingdom. Maggots.

    • Aroono said

      Shawn great!!

    • Muhammad Munawwar said

      In fact, Islam through the course of its history has granted the people of other faiths the highest degree of tolerance by allowing them to follow their way, although some of their practices might have been in conflict with the religion of the majority. It was this degree of tolerance that the Muslims adopted towards their non-Muslim citizens.

      There is another aspect of this matter which cannot be found in the written laws, nor can it be enforced by courts or governments: it is the spirit of tolerance which underlies upright attitudes, benevolent dealings, respect for one’s neighbors, and all the sincere sentiments of piety, compassion, and courtesy. Execution and report of such attitudes are required of every Muslim and cannot be obtained through constitutional legislation or court jurisdiction.

      • HINDU said

        Really ? You Muslims have commited genocide on Hindus for 700 years and destroyed invaluable knowledge. The world’s greatest centres of learning, Alexandria, Taxila, Nalanda, etc all destroyed by Muslims and burnt. You are filth. You are the greatest threat to human civilization. You committed genocide on Hindus, read up the meanng of Hindukush you Muslim pigs. ISLAM IS OVER

        • Lorna said

          Not just Hindus, all non muslims. Europe and the crusades thank you. But the worst thing islam is doing is destroying other peoples cultures and art forms, saying the art we make is against islam and therefore should be forbidden. Just saying

  8. Sunny singh said

    Muslims madarchod to hote hn
    yeh to dunia manti hai
    i think they are born motherfuckers but they should keep this shit to themselves otherwise they vl have to face evil consequences

    • b2k said

      you f***in indian!!
      go worship a cow or somthing

      • and u go worship your satan/moon god allah

        • Live in peace said

          i am a muslim and why are muslims so hated? Do u jews/ Christians actually seen a muslim as the terroist? or a christian as the enemy? Why do u judge before u even know?Why not go do some real reasearch before u judge others! did any of u christians ever mention anything bad that u did in the past? i am not against any religion here but u should stop critizing muslims NOW! How would u like it if u were bullied everyday about being a Christian or a jew? I got bullied about being a muslim once think about how u would feel if u were me.

  9. Crazyfists said

    You Americans/foreigners dnt hav a clue about how annoying muslims. I live in India and i dont hate muslims because of their terrorist activities. No thats 2ndary. Over here they treat you like shit coz they are politically strong. They play their shitty allah thing on loudspeakers every morning @ 6. During rush hour they pile the streets wriggling their asses in the air causing mayhem. In the buses everyone dreads when dat burqua wearin stinky bitch climbs on.

  10. Andy Green said

    All Muslins ar Fucken Pedos

  11. gurpreet singh said

    Thanks, Dude For All These Jokes I Really Need These Jokes……

    Muslims Are Like Sh*t Of Dog On This Planet…….His Main Work Is Just Killing Mankind….I M India Nd Our Neighbour Is Bloody…Bustard…Motherf**ker….pakistan…..And i know what they actually are…. Just sh*t on earth (sorry if mistakes in my english but i know every one understad what i say)

    • Gurpreet Singh ji
      Namaste :)
      I am happy that you liked the jokes. I will post more soon.
      I am also Indian and I too know what Pakistan is …scourge of the earth.
      Keep visiting.
      Please use ** for 4 letter words next time otherwise this blog will get banned from corporates.

    • LOVE_For_ISLAM said

      Too sad…that you are speaking of which you know not…its just like you are someone with blank mind..who only know how to speak bad words who have no respect..who say which he doesn’t even know about well…I guess that’s what your religion teaches you…better learn how to speak first..and better learn more about Islam and Muslims…then speak whatever you wish…because, now all your words are just as stupid as you..!!

      ISLAM IS THE BEST RELIGION….FOR IF YOU HAVE SOME MIND TO UNDERSTAND….NOWADAYS PEOPLE LIKE YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND BECAUSE, THEY HAVE NO MIND….THEY ONLY CAN UNDERSTAND WHEN ALLAH THE MOST GREAT OPEN THEIR HEARTS TO THE RIGHT PATH…ONLY WHEN HE THE MOST HIGH GUIDES THEM..!!!

      • Islam is the best religion…yeah I have read that a million times from Muslims who forget to give reason.
        Islam is actually not even a religion. it’s a system designed for criminals and thugs, murderers and rapists.
        Islam is more closer to personality cult like that of David Koresh rather than a religion.

        • Tony Parry said

          could not agree more about these filthy ,destructive maggots ,they are starting to take over Australia and we have no guns to cleanse this country of them just a shitty permissive government with no balls to stop these vermin.

          • the scenario is more or less same everywhere. Only Americans are sufficiently armed, but I doubt whether they can use deadly force against the Muslims.

      • b2k said

        shut yo mouf mindset. if u got guts say it 2 my face so u can get a black eye!!!

        • Live in peace said

          well said B2k!
          And i am not against anyone but why is it that u Christians think its okay to miss out on church and think god will forgive u even though Muslims got to pray everyday and work hard! I am a nice guy in real life but it gets under my skin BAD!!!! when non Christians and Jews insult my religion and also be Hippocrates! I am sry to the other christians that do not say anything bad about other religions and are SMART ENOUGH TO RESPECT DIVERSITY!!!!!!!!!

  12. pooran said

    lol…nice

  13. linda said

    I think all religion are good for our man kind .Plz don’t say any bad word.

  14. JP said

    Mate i liked the Jew slappin’ the Muslim joke, shudda been 2 slaps creating more confusion, tht wudda been funny xD nice one btw. Everyone of them (Muslim) deserves it.

  15. nikki said

    All relegion are good ……they are dirt mind who says about any relegion……
    and so stupid jokes here…

  16. Nobel piece prize score, Jews over 140 …. Arabs (muslims) 7….. 8 including Obama

  17. I read all comments,but the mindset is misguided and some his friends also. Dear brothers and sisters the things which are within you, those come out, you can give others whatever you have, bad or good, Islam never teach any thing to any its follower whatever blamed here. I request please first study Islam and then comments. Without proper knowledge blamming to any one is the worst act of any individual. Please think it and then comment.

    • MS said

      Prince Saleem, I can understand your mindset…you are trying to defend your religion if at all it is.
      I have one question :
      (1) if Islam is so humble why Islamic countries doesn’t allow practice of other religion.
      (2) Why Islamic follower doesn’t respect other religion.you can go around the world and see whenever Muslims have become majority they have wiped out other religion by force.

      Dont take it personally,just look the history of violence by Muslims and you will feel ashamed belonging to this religion.

  18. The person who is not responssible to society or nation, is the most stupid, I request please spread love among people and not hate by wrong deads of your own. Mohammed(SAW) is the only person on the earh who teaches all good things to whole world and not a single bad thing, Plz study his life, your doubt will be cleared.

  19. European said

    Why are muslim people looking up Muslim jokes?

  20. person said

    all of you who have shared their post- have shown their ill and cheap character, u al are from the category of “looser”…. who doesnt have knowledge of thier own religion but have disgusting guts to be pointing on the other religion. shame on all of u…. go first learn decency, manners, respect, optimism, get strong to accept ur bloody weakness and then point out on others….

    May allah bless all of you…. my allah has thought me to be patient and polite even with ” shameless ppl” like you… that is why am stil decently talking after ur such cheap comments .. unlike ur religion which is so weak and cheap. … real shame and real lost ppl!

    • the cheapest religion is Islam, if it’s a religion.
      Muslims are killing women, children old and sick in the name of their fake God and they don’t even regret.
      Muslims are killing Muslims too .So go and learn basic humanity first yourself.

      • Love Islam said

        i have learned basic humanity and dats y my replies are generous and look at ur humanity by ur talk ” oh am sry ur not a HUMAN to have humanity at first place” shame on ur part

  21. [...] http://themmindset.wordpress.com/2011/04/28/muslim-jokes-2/ [...]

  22. 5- The real truth about whenever and approaches to use each of those dumbbells and equipments to put on excellent muscle quickly.

    These days there are virtually 1000’s of guys and females who are seeking to create muscle mass and strip off body body fat in purchase to transform the way their bodies’
    glimpse and really feel. In his new program
    Kyle Leon offers high quality information and offers a
    proven muscle building system that has been designed by renowned
    fitness models from around the world that have been adjusted and tested for a long time in order to provide the best results.

  23. prajwalit said

    ISLAM STAGE 1:
    When mu-slimes are in minority,they play peaceful / rational / adjusting / understanding…even oppressed /victimized /persecuted ones.

    ISLAM STAGE 2:
    As they grow in number…they cry jihad…as to save there own…and against oppression…from non mu-slimes…JIHAD CLAIMED AS purely RESPONSIVE IN NATURE…

    ALL THIS WHILE,THEY LAY THEIR HANDS UPON LANDS / WOMEN / PROPERTIES…i.e. TOTAL LIVES AND EXISTENCES OF NON-MUSLIMS AROUND…they would do this by all means…from enticing to forceful ways to deceit…i.e. doing what works…

    …AND ONCE IN NUMBERS THEY GROW ENOUGH…

    ISLAM STAGE 3:
    Suddenly that peaceful / rational / adjusting / understanding islam takes a back seat
    …and a purely aggressive – NO MORE just RESPONSIVE-BUT PREEMPTIVE – kind of Jihad unveils which is at war with any thing and every thing that’s non-muslim…

    All non mu-slime must remember…
    …wealth that is lost can be earned back…especially from these uneducated idiots…
    …Lands and properties can be owned again…
    …but these lowly gene-pool should not be allowed to succeed with non mu-slime women…
    …because by taking away non mu-slime women…mu-slimes attempt to end progeny of non mu-slimes…
    Now I don’t suggest non mu-slimes to start shitting kids like Mu-slimes do…we dont need to do that…coz winning always have been about quality…and mu-SLIMES think that its a number game…

    • @Prajwalit

      the time to do something peaceful is long gone,
      I suggest you to buy weapons and prepare for outright violence. because that’s what is going to happen.

  24. Muhammad Munawwar said

    “And do not argue with the People of the Scripture (Christians and Jews) except in a way that is best, except for those who commit injustice among them, and say we believe in that which has been revealed to us and revealed to you. And our God and your God is one; and we are Muslims [in submission] to Him.” (The Qur’an 29: 46)

  25. iqbal said

    let these people do many propaganda against islam. they themsleves know that ground reality is different.

  26. Habiba said

    There is no god but Allah amd muhammad (saw) is His massanger “. o non muslim brothers and sisters dont say any thing about what you dont have knowledge .fear Allah and the day of judgement . Have you ever thought about the creation of universe , about the creation of life from a sperm . It has been proved that AlQuran is the only authentic scientific religious book in this earth , as all other religious books adulterated , execpt AlQuran and it will remain unchanged until Quamat . So be aware of hell as it is promised for the kafer and idol worshipers like you .

  27. Allah lundchoos said

    Yes

  28. Allah lundchoos said

    Muslim basterds.do you know before shiteater mohammad there were a lot of religions in the world.i dont like gandhi,but he has done a great job by seperating napakistan from this holy country.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 47 other followers

%d bloggers like this: